Really stupid things bother and stress me out, make me anxious and depress me. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't make it go away, it doesn't change anything. There's only a few things right now that are bothering me, on top of the normal teenage hormones that every teenager has.
I have huge anxiety problems, one of the biggest is change in routine and being unable to build a routine. As I have mentioned several times, I'm going to England to see my family on Tuesday/Wednesday. That right there is one thing that stresses me out, not knowing whether we are going on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning. My mother has already come to explain to me that she can't give me the exact day and has told me the reasons why that is, but it doesn't change anything. I feel extremely nauseated over this, I haven't been breathing properly over the past few days, anxiety attacks are going back to being common and boy...the chest pain is probably the worst right now.
I can't pack everything right now and yes, I am fully aware it's a week away and packing right now isn't needed but I like to be ready for things, I like to know what's happening. It seems simple but all the clothes need washing and I need some clothes to wear for this week and it's bringing on so much anxiety, and I just want to go to a corner, shut the door and scream while pulling my hair out (yes, caused by the autism) which I have a feeling might happen sooner rather then later at a really bad time, as usual.
My phone bill isn't paid and if we don't have the money to pay it by the time England comes around, it's going to make things so much harder - my boyfriend Austin lives in Ohio, quite the while away from the UK and if there's anything wrong with the Internet and something happens, I always use my phone and will go to Austin to help myself calm down because he always knows exactly what to say and gives the most useful advice for how I can fix what's wrong or how I can make things better and without having that little safety net, it's a huge anxiety trigger for me. I know, I know, another teenager obsessed with her phone but honestly, I don't care what other people think about that (obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be making this post), it's something that I need to help me.
Along with the above, I am not in the best home situation. To put it nicely, I have a very bratty younger sister who likes to make things harder on all of us. She's putting a lot of pressure and worry and anxiety on top of me, and all of the anxiety I already had is just making me super depressed. I am not diagnosed with severe depression, so just putting it out there that my main problem is and always has been anxiety, especially socially. My mother is also very very busy and most of my life, I am not ashamed to admit that I have relied on her for most things so during times like this when I need her to be consistent and to know things, she can't do that for me and it's probably driving her as well as me crazy.
My exam is in a month and as you probably already know, autistic kids have a lot of problems with revision/studying and everytime I try to do it, I can't remember anything and I freak out and get too anxious and angry to continue - then the fact I will probably fail the exam if this continues just makes me want to cry because if I try to tell anyone about this, they tell me things like "All you have to do is work hard. You get what you deserve!" but I am trying hard, I really am. I'm not getting anywhere.
There's also a few personal problems going on with me, too, that I haven't even told Austin about so I'm obviously going to leave that out of here...
Basically, I won't be blogging for a little bit. I might be a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of months, I don't know. It won't be until I have a steady routine going on, and I'm in a situation where I can come up with ideas. I will still be writing a lot of drafts on here as I always do because I do love writing, but they have bad spelling and they're not structured, I just don't have the energy to fix them so they're worthy of being published. I hope you can understand. I will see you when I can.
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