Well, 2016 sucked

Okay, just to clarify, I have a lot of brain fog. Being able to speak and write sentences that actually make sense haven't been my forte as of late and for that I apologize and although this may make sense to me, it probably won't make much sense to other people. The grammar/punctuation/spelling may infuriate. It's just one of the many side effects of being mentally ill, I'm afraid. 

We lost a lot of people this year. The Orlando gay-club shooting. Christina Grimmie. Syria. Carrie Fisher. Alan Rickman. David Bowie. In no order, and just to name a few. It was an absolutely devastating year. To top it of, Brexit and Trump are in our future so even that looks dim and we all just have to hold on to hope and our own optimism to make the next few years great for us despite outside sources. 

For me, personally, I started off the year on a high note. I remember that I was visiting my grandparents' house. I was looking out of the window in awe at the fireworks, smiling into the moonlight and the beautiful bright stars thinking about the wonderful year I was about to have because hell, I was going to make it happen...wasn't I?

Nope. 

What happened instead was, basically, a series of unfortunate events and stupid mistakes that I take most of the blame for. 

I did some pretty amazing things during these mistakes, though. I can't just ignore those. I made three coach journeys this year via National Express. All of them were for about fourteen hours each. I left my home town, made several stops before I reached the destination. On those stops, the longest was for about two hours in a very busy city. This is quite a challenge for someone who is autistic/has social anxiety. 

I had my first kiss, my first sexual/romantic experiences in person and I lost my virginity (although I didn't really lose anything). Shortly after that, I am now in my first "proper" relationship with someone who I adore - even if he is a bit of an idiot. 

I finished my first year at college and went into my second year, and I am struggling quite a lot mentally with it but I have high hopes I'll get out alive. I return to college Tuesday of next week and I intend to hand in a form that requests to join Level 3 but this time, instead of Animal Care, it's for Animal Management. I am both dreading it and I am excited for it (and nervous that I won't get accepted at all). I feel a bit insecure that I'm 20 and still in education, and not university either.

I cut off toxic relationships completely. I'm endlessly happy they are not in my life anymore even though at the time I thought I couldn't be without them. I am fine without them. Much better, even. 

I finally got contraception, and the implant which is the one I wanted the most. I was meant to write some posts updating you the affects it has on me and how it feels and what it did to my periods but I've just fallen a bit behind on that, as I have with most things really. 

I now have some mental health appointments I attend. My next one isn't until the 12th and I have been holding things back but I think I can't get proper help without being completely honest so I'll have to try that. I'm grateful I finally receive some form of help as it's been a long time coming. 

I read about thirty-odd books this year. The rest, which added up to about seventy I believed, were comic books which is a recent interest of mine that I picked up this year and I am in love with them. They are perfect for when I want to read and want to admire art without taking too much energy from me that I do not have to give out. I have been in a reading slump since early summer, so I might ease myself into it via comic books!

I lost a close relationship I made in Febuary but gained some balls and contacted him. I contacted a few friends I had lost and only two, this one included, accepted my apology and I'm so happy that I made that challenging leap. 

Bad things happened, too, of course. You can't live a whole 12 months without that happening! 

I went through a break-up and it dragged out for months because I was unable to cut him out of my life. I managed to end our "friendship" the day after my 20th birthday in August and I was absolutely heartbroken for a few hours as he admitted in the argument that he had fallen in love with another girl and the reason we ended was because "he wasn't ready for a relationship". The lies hurt, too. I slept, woke up and was fine! The next month, my first month back at college, I met my current boyfriend through a mutual friend (his cousin) so it all ended up okay - we got together at the end of October. 

I lost my two best friends I had met in my first year of college, my first real life friends and the first friends I had a mutual connection with. It was entirely my fault, a mean joke that I never intended to be mean and they got upset and it turned into a nasty argument that we haven't been able to recover from.  I miss seeing messages from them. I miss spending time with them during our breaks and messing about during our classes like we're school children. I miss our heart to hearts. I miss our memories, the time we spent together, and how we can't make more. Most of all, it hurts seeing their life go on and I am not a part of it anymore. I hope one day they can come back, and I hate how they have cut themselves out of my boyfriends' life too (as he was part of it), it hurts us both. I can have hope. 

My mental health took a dark turn. I self-harmed. I cried and lost my shit in college and I never break in front of other people even though I am open about my struggles. 

I lost an awful lot of people this year, most of them just some good online friends. Some of it was via arguments and some of it was just because we didn't speak anymore. I miss seeing their names pop up on my phone screen. 

I went through an awful lot of men/half-assed "relationships" this year that took a massive toll on me and even though I'm in a happy relationship now I'm constantly on edge it won't last long! 

I did not spend much, if any, time on my blog. The aesthetic hasn't improved and nor has my content. I don't want it to get super successful. but I do want to develop a small community just to converse back and forth. I would love some feedback on my posts and I never get any. I don't market, I don't try to promote my blog at all, because I have no faith in myself and what I write and my style of writing. It needs improving and that's another reason why I want feedback.

I went through some tough times concerning my body image and I'm still struggling with that massively (no pun intended). I intend to be healthier in the new year, you'll see any goals I'm planning to make in my 2016 goals/resolutions post which should (should) be up on the first of January. 

There's probably a whole bunch I am forgetting here but this is the basic run-down. I want to put more effort into my blog is what the outcome of 2017 should be, one of the most important projects I want to work on, but juggling that with my relationship and college I have been finding difficult and sometimes you have to pick and choose what you should prioritize in order to make things mentally easier on yourself! 

I've also done something pretty big that should pop up in about two months? Maybe earlier/later. Big for me, anyway. I am super nervous about it. It is a way to promote by blog, spread awareness of female autism and take advantage of an opportunity that I know I can do - even if I don't believe in myself. If I remember to (which I probably will this time), I will post the thingy here when it happens and explain it in a bit more detail although it is pretty detailed in itself. I just didn't add everything I wanted to talk about. There was a limited amount of space and I can write and write and write. Too much, sometimes. 

That's my basic run down of 2016. I hope yours went better. See you in a couple of days!

Dear New Readers

I doubt I have new readers. I don't even think I have readers at all, at this point. My posts only get about 11 views per post, but that happens almost instantly so I question whether those are even real people or just automatic computer monitoring or something? Occasionally I'll get a comment or a share and that inspires me to keep writing but I love writing so I'm sure I'd find something else to motivate me. I'm trying to write something in here everyday, however brief.

So, for new readers, I've decided to do an about me question-and-answer post. I have yet to update the tabs above this post that have an about me section on there but I'm sure by the time you get to this (if anyone ever does), then they will be updated. I used to run this blog with my then boyfriend, Austin, who I was in a serious relationship with. We broke up over a year ago now, but it still says "About Us" on it even though I have since then updated what is inside the tab. It used to be more of a book review and discussion type of blog and although I still do those from time to time it's more like a whatever I want to post type of blog. I don't think I need to add a genre although doing that would probably bring a target audience along if this blog has a specific topic or even purpose.

Anyway, before I ramble anymore and I'm not even being humorous let's get into this: (these were random questions taken from online and have no real order or anything, but that's a pretty good representation of me I think).

What is my Full Name?

Lorna Amranwen Parsons but I prefer to go by the nickname Loz and use my mothers last name, so Lorna Amranwen O'Connor. I think it not only sounds better but makes me somewhat make a statement that I'm more my mother than my dad.

What is Your Favourite Drink?

Coke or Tea (90% hot water, 10% milk in that order and obviously the teabag and the two and a half sugars go in first). I also really like smoothies and sometimes lemonade or Mountain Dew.

What is Your Favourite Song at the Moment?

"Can't Help Falling in Love With You" by Elvis, but really anyone who sings it well is a winner in my eyes.

What is Your Favourite Food?

Hmm...ooh, I don't know. I like food but I can't say I love it, I mostly just snack nowadays. I think probably Hunter's chicken (chicken wrapped in bacon and cheese and topped with BBQ sauce, usually served with fries or potato wedges or just a salad).

What is the Last Thing you Bought?

A Simpsons comic at my local charity shop. The excitement I felt when I saw them there on the shelf. There was also some Beano comics and my sister got one because my mother found one of her birth year and thought my sister would like it. Not sure if she does, I haven't yet asked!

Favourite Book of All Time?

I really don't have a favourite book. I love all books!

Favourite Colour?

Black, red, pink, blue.

Pets?

An almost 13yr old black feline named Tessa and I used to have a one year old called Boo, but she has since been...removed.

Foxy Tessa 

Favourite Perfume?

I never wear purfume although sometimes I do wear my mum's which comes in like a red apple bottle and I like it a lot.

Favourite Holiday?

Halloween and Christmas, I like to merge the two. Thank you, The Nightmare Before Christmas!

Are You Married?

I'm only twenty and I'm in a relationship but it's only been almost four weeks! I do hope to be married someday though.

How Many Siblings Do You Have?

My half-brother, Liam, 6. My sister, Catherine, 18.

Favourite Shop?

A really nice place called Vincent Davies and any charity stores, really.

Favourite Restaurant?

Weatherspoon's! Or Pizza Hut, maybe

When Was the Last Time You Cried?

Last night. Me and my now ex-best friend had a massive argument and I ended up having to block her and I'm still a bit upset about it, all a misunderstanding but she won't really listen and it was pointless waiting for her to calm down because I know her and her temper. She wasn't calming anytime soon.

Favourite Movie?

Anything Disney or Pixar, I probably love. Well, not too fond of The Little Mermaid but everything else I adore.

TV Show?

Once Upon A Time, Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Black Mirror, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad...I love them all.

PC or Mac?

Never used an Apple computer so I'm going to go with PC.

What Phone Do You Have?

An IPhone 5S, I think it is?

How Tall Are You?

A short five foot seven!

Thank you for taking the time out of your life to read through this. It was very brief and quick, I know, but I want to answer more common and personal things in the About Me section of the tabs on this blog. I'll be updating it either later on tonight or I'll do it tomorrow morning before I head off to my college work experience! 

Summaries of Books I Read in May!

Some people may consider a May wrap-up posted in the early days of June a little late, but better late than never. Funnily enough I already had this pre-written (mini reviewing them a little bit as I slugged along) but I accidentally deleted the entire thing. Yup. This is a common occurrence in my college, too., even with the added detail of saving them on back-up USB's. Shit just happens to me. 

Anywho, here is my late but still beefy (can vegetarians say beefy?) wrap-up. 

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce. 

Pretty much exactly what you would expect from a book with Harold and Pilgrimage in the title, this is about an old man trekking across the whole of the UK to get to his lost friend from years ago, Queenie. She had sent him a letter to explain that she was dying of cancer, and like a normal person he did aim for a post box to reply...and ended up never stopping. He had this child philosophy that if he could walk across the whole of the UK to get to Queenie before her death, she would survive cancer. 

It's a very heart-warming story, got a little in depth about the way we live our life and how other people live theirs. Most importantly, it focused on how we are all going through something difficult and we are all fighting a battle - we're just all fighting different ones. I thought it was beautifully written. Could have done with a few pages being cut off, but the writing style was great, it was funny and sad and philosophical (in an entertaining, un-boring way). If you've been considering it, do check it out. 

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. 

If by chance you have no idea what this book is about (where do you live, on the island that all these vegans keep getting sent to?), then I am here to tell you. Amir is a little boy, I think 12. He is the son of a rich man, and this rich man is best friends with a poor man who is on the side of Muslims that are looked down upon for who they are. He has a poor son. I forgot their names, if you couldn't tell. A month is a long enough time period for all of that to blur, despite it being a really memorable and heart-warming book that my broken black hole still hasn't recovered from. Amir and The Poor Son are best best best friends. The Poor Son will do anything for Amir - not that Amir can say the same back. One day, The Poor Son goes through something dreadful (that Amir had the power to stop) around about the same time the Talibans come to Afghanistan. It all goes shit-hit-the-fan after that. 

I expected this book to be very deeply informative, have a lot of background history and unnecessary descriptions - it didn't. The writing style was great. It focused on something incredibly important. Not that I was every against helping refugees, but this book would have made me change my mind if I was. It was simply awesome.

The Many Worlds of Albie Bright by Christopher Edge

Oh, no! The good reading month does not end there. While in a supermarket the other day, I spotted this very beautiful book (of which you can read my short little review on here) for pretty cheap. It's about a little boy called Albie, who has scientists for parents. One day, his mother dies of cancer and Albie aspires to try his best to find her through the magic of parallel world teleportation. It's funny, cute, and a little sad in some parts. Do go read it, you won't regret it. (the author himself read by review and commented about it on Twitter, as a by the way, still screaming)

The Lie Tree by Frances Hardinge 

Again, if you want something a little bit more in depth, I also did a review of this book here - see, mum, I've been somewhat productive outside of college. 

This is about a girl called Frances who is a feminist superhero, really. Little did I know that this is historical-fiction (and I'm glad I didn't know, because there's a very small chance I would have picked it up otherwise). It was based around the death/murder of Frances' father (a natural scientist). Nobody will believe anything she says because A) she is a child and B) she is a female child. She goes into the course of action by herself. She also discovers that her father has been hiding secrets of his own. 

I adored the shit out of this book. I thought it was odd, well woven together, fantastic character development and depth, amazing writing style. It was just a really good book, and a book I definitely did not regret. 

Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi

I think everyone knows about what this book is about. It's a YA book of a girl who is locked away because she can kill people with her touch. It's basically a romance story, very little dystopian, but it has so many YA traits that I felt really annoyed with it. The writing style was really really good and I finished it in two days with ease, but the actual content was hit and miss. I still don't know what I feel about it and whether or not I will continue with the series, but it's leaning more on the probably not side for me. I am curious about why everyone loves Warner, though. 

The Vegetarian by Han Kang. 

I still need to write a review on this but guess who keeps forgetting. It was a very weird weird book, but it was absolutely incredibly and quickly one of my favourite reads of the year - maybe even ever. It follows a girl who's name I have already forgotten, married to a bit of a dick. She's very, very normal. Painstakingly normal. One day, she has an odd dream and turns vegetarian but this bizarre event doesn't stop there - she falls down the rabbit hole of mental illness, told in an honest and beautiful way. If you haven't, please do consider reading this. It was gold. 

Room by Emma Donoghue. 

Everyone got to this little gem before me, regretfully so! This is the tale of a woman, "ma" (and in the movie, she was named Joy), who was stolen at the age of 19 and kept captive by Old Nick and raped - she gave birth to a baby boy named Jack, who is the narrator of the story. It's rare that I read books narrated by children, so I found that prospect interesting in itself. It was funny in parts, really sad in other parts. Gloriously entertaining, I finished this quickly. I want to re-read it and I only just put it down. 

Liesl and Po by Lauren Oliver

This follows a little girl named Liesl who was trapped in an attic by her vicious stepmother after the death of her father. One day, a mysterious ghost appears named Po and neither one of them know why. It soon becomes clear that mystery and magic lies underneath everything they know, and they're determined to find it out together. After finding out why Lauren wrote the book (and if you want to know, do ask in the comments, but I would prefer not to know these details beforehand so I won't do so to anyone else), I found this story even more beautiful and heartbreaking. I gave this a 5/5 and highly recommend it (even though it does have flaws, like every other book out there).

Thank you ever so much for reading, what did you read this month? I would love to know. Check back in with you soon. Probably. 

Personal Life || The Day Before My New Chapter!

Oh yes, guys, oh yes. Tomorrow is what I consider to be a "big day" for me. I'm going to be joining community college. I don't like to say that, "joining", because other then an email of confirmation that we had to call to receive I am just really worried at this point that I'm going to turn up at 8:30am tomorrow morning like "Where do I go? Who are my teachers? Should I go to reception?" and then they'll say something along the lines of "Sorry but you're not in our records, you're in our reservation list for Level 2..."...I realize none of this is making sense without context, so let's start from there.

So, early last year (I want to say...December? Maybe November?), my careers adviser showed up during my free-time asking me what I would like to do when I left school and I said "Oh, I'd like to do Animal Care at college", the college about a mile and a half away from me and she was like "Oh, sure, let me just call them up and see what we can do and I'll get back to you". I'm not sure how long has passed, but I know it was a few months away at this point from leaving school and I had yet to hear back from her about the signing up. I took it in my own hands because someone...I don't know who, but someone came up to me and said "Have you heard back from her or do you have to do it online?" and I didn't even think about that. Of course, as soon as I got onto a laptop, I signed up for Animal Care. 

I received a call pretty quick afterwards asking about an interview, so I forwarded the number to my mum (if you haven't guessed at this point, I have social anxiety) who called them a few times and eventually an interview had been set up. Originally, we were going to go for Level 2 Animal Care which had no available spaces so I would be in the reservation list in case anyone dropped out or whatever (which never happened, as an FYI). Then they said there was still available spaces for Level 1 and it would be best if I joined that one instead, and it was unclear to me what was happening because they were talking amongst themselves and then afterwards one of the ladies who was there said "Yes, you're definitely in" which I'm still not taking to heart incase there was a lack of communication or something and I haven't actually been accepted.

A few weeks (maybe?) later, I got nervous because I hadn't heard a single thing from them since and I got my mother to call the college and they said "Oh, we had you on the reservation for Level 2" (which I think is weird because I don't think I even applied for Level 2, so maybe the forms got in wrong or something) but then she said something like how their files were mixed up and sent me a confirmation on how I had been accepted into Level 1. 

That's basically (believe it or not) the short version as to why I am so nervous about tomorrow mostly and I'll let you know how it goes. I still don't know what to wear or anything, I am so nervous. I'm going to fold up tomorrow's clothes, get my bag ready, have a nice bath so I smell great and try not to dwell too much. The walk is a mile and a half there, I have half an hour of time to think about everything. During my high school years, which I will talk about in more detail for a later post, I've always had a strong support system from the autism centre but now it's like I've lost my footing in the dark and if I fall, I can't be sure there's someone there to help me stay upright, this whole situation is putting me on edge.

Anyway, thank you for reading, I'm sorry I'm not spending much time on blogging or photos or anything like that, I will try harder I promise, just...my whole summer as been leading up to this, tomorrow is the day. THE. DAY.

*sighs* goodness.
See you tomorrow! 

May 2015 Book Haul: Xtra - Charity Shops

       

I know, I know, I said in part four I wasn't going to buy more books but I wasn't even intending on going out today - I just didn't want to stay cooped up indoors. I avoided all my favourite bookstores and instead I went to two chairty shops and a bookshop called Victoria Bookshop (I think). 

"Doctor Who: The Feast of the Drowned" by Stephen Cole - hardback, 50p. 

When a naval cruiser sinks in mysterious circumstances in North Sea, all aboard are lost. Rose is saddened to learn that the brother of her friend, Keisha, was among the dead. And yet he appears to them as a ghostly apparition, begging to be saved from the coming feast...the feast of the drowned. 

As the dead crew haunt loved ones all over London, the Doctor and Rose are drawn into a chilling mystery. What sank the ship and why? When the cruiser's wreckage was towed up the thames, what sinister force came with it?

The river's dark waters are hiding an even darker secret, as preparations for the feast near their conclusion... 

I am a huge fan of Doctor Who and, despite my lack of them, quite like science fiction too (I just wish more women were in them without families or marriage). At only 50p, it's the perfect time to try one out, and I believe every book is written by a different author so that's pretty cool too - I am exited to see if I can find new ones in the future. 

"The Twilight Saga: New Moon" by Stephenie Mayer - paperback, movie cover, 50p. 

I knew we were both in mortal danger. 

Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. 

I could feel my heart racing in my chest, the blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins again. 

My lungs filled deep with the sweet scent that came off his skin. 

It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. 

I was perfect - not healed, but as if there had never been a wound in the first place. 

Now. When i was fourteen, I loved the movies and the books. I had the DVD's, but now I only have part one of breaking dawn, and I had all the non-movie cover editions too but I thought since everyone else hated them, I didn't want to be different and gave them all away and deeply regret this decision. I was thinking lf rebuying them anyway, but I can live with a cheap movie cover for now (forever grateful Potter books never had movie covers). 

"Every Second Counts" by Sophie McKenzie, Book 2, Victoria Bookshop, £5. 

Outlawed teenagers Charlie and Nat are on the run, falsely accused of terrorism and kidnapping. With few people they can trust, they are desperete to bring down their accusers and return to their former lives. But time is running out. 

Charlie has a plan that might just save them - but it will only work if she goes it alone. 

Could being together be more dangerous then being apart? 

Before I went a little crazy and deleted so many posts, I wrote a review for the first book and said now eager I was to get the second because the covers matched so beautifully I couldn't not have it and boom, found it! I have been unable to buy anything online due to having no card so it was a book I was eager to get and am glad I didn't buy it on Amazon when I could as I got it cheaper today!

Lastly, but hopefully not least: 

"The Devil Wears Prada" by Louise Weisberger - movie cover, paperback, 50p.  

High fashion, low cunning - and the boss from hell. 

When Andrea first sets foot in the plush Manhatten offices of Runway she knows nothing. She's never heard of the world's most fashionable magazine, or it's feared and fawned-over editor, Miranda Priestly. 

Soon she knows way too much.

She knows it's a sacking offence to wear less then a three-inch heel to work - but there's always a fresh pair of Manolos in the accessories cupboard. 

She knows that eight stone is fat. That you can charge anything - cars, manicures, clothes - to the Runway account, but you must never leave your desk, or let Miranda's coffee get cold. That at 3am, when your boyfriends dumping you because you're always working and your best friend's just been arrested, if Miranda phones with her latest unreasonable demand, you jump. 

Most of all, Andrea knows that Miranda is a monster boss who makes Cruella de Vil look like a fluffy bunny. But this is her big break, and it's all going to be worth it in the end. 

Isn't it? 

This was one of my favourite movies as a kid, and I still love it today (despite not being interested in fashion), and even though I was interested in the book, I had no plans to actually go out and buy it. Till today, that is. I'm so eager to read it, in fact, it might be next weeks Monday Mission. 

I don't see the point in doing one for Harry Potter because everyone knows what it's about and if you don't, you should, but it's a hardback first edition copy and on the inside, the two books after it aren't even there because they haven't been published yet, how cool is that?!? I also bought "All I Know Now" by Carrie Hope Fletcher, but I'm going to be talking about that in the book discussion/review when I finish it in a lot more detail and...to be honest, couldn't be bothered taking the photo and writing about it here, in my wrap up and the the review, haha.

Thank you so, so much for reading as always. I do hope you habe enjoyed this lengthly series of book hauls and I'll see you next time, bye! 

 

New Author Thingy

I, AUSTIN, am now part of this writing blog of writer-ing. I'm not gonna be nearly as formal as Loz, but when I do make blog posts, I can assure you that they won't be half assed, and they will get to the point. I hope I can live up to Loz's and the reader's expectations for this blog. Thanks for the chance!

-Austin