Six Days Till Christmas! - Mental Health

Hey! It's Sunday! It's a week until Christmas! Are you excited?! Because I am very excited. The only problem I am currently facing is mental health worries - as you know if you suffer from a mental illness, they don't follow plans and sometimes it doesn't matter if everything is falling into place they will strike and attack anyway. 

I don't much remember last Christmas very well, but I do know I woke up feeling less than my best. I was excited, I love watching my little brother (then 5) open presents and be so happy Santa came and he would sit and play with things all day. I was also putting on an act because I know how much my mother values Christmas, and how she is as sensitive as I am so a little thing like a facial expression change could make her upset. She put so much thought into her gifts, too, and I wanted her to know I appreciated it. 

I remember a Christmas before that where I spent the whole day really upset, drunk and crying the whole day. A reason I don't think I was ever able to identify. I just wasn't feeling very good that morning, and it continued for the rest of the day. 

I'm worried I won't be feeling very good next Sunday, because I haven't been lately. I'm gradually getting better, then I drop, then I get better again. I'm just hoping Sunday isn't one of those "bad days". I just feel like there's a lot of pressure to be happy, when being happy isn't completely possible for me, around this time of year. 

If anyone else is struggling with that side of things, then I can sympathize and I understand. Hope you have a good Christmas though! Just a quick little mental health post. 

Mental Health Appointments #2 & #3

Me being me, I completely forgot to tell you how my two appointments following up the first appointment went and our progress. It's not a "all hope is lost" situation, but I am fearing that it is a "she also doesn't believe I'm anything but 'feeling low'" type of situation. A lot of mental health specialists also don't really separate my autism from me as a person and what I experience and it creates a barrier with receiving better help or even a further diagnosis (as depression/anxiety are 'symptoms' of autism, but it's more like they are caused by autism rather than being part of it). 

Our second appointment was in a different building (and because all 3 appointments have been in different rooms, it's a lot easier to separate them and know what each individual session was about...yay for shit memories). It was really short, and we basically discussed what went on during the week since our last session. 

I'm quite disappointed in myself because, even though I had a couple of breakdowns earlier in that week and felt really low (as you know because of a couple of posts I did between then and now, I deleted the second post) but instead I just said to her "Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine and it's been a great ass week!". Couldn't be further from the truth, I just wasn't feeling as shit as I had been so at that point in time I was fine and so I said I was fine. I'm terrible at talking about my feelings with people I'm close with, never mind complete strangers. 

What my task was this week - because, by the way, I had forgotten the diary that explained all these negative feelings I had felt during the past week that I would have been unable to say because I am a dumbass - she set a new task of writing five things everyday that have made me happy, no matter how small. 

This was a lot harder than it sounds. Especially on the days where I didn't much feel like getting up or I had an argument with a close friend/boyfriend, anything like that. It was really dumb things and on the third appointment, I felt so shit handing it in like "Yeah, my list that day was just "stuffed crust pizza for dinner" but it did make me think about one thing - anything that makes you happy, no matter how small, is important and means something. Even if you think it's stupid. 

I have been assigned the same task for this week. I am also struggling to come up with things, but it is a useful thing to do and I think after these sessions are over (with little to no improvement, I feel...) I will continue the weekly "five things that make me happy" either in my personal journal or here because I feel that, although small, it does make a difference. 

The third appointment was far cozier. In a better room, lasted longer. We discussed anxiety, the negative voices in my head, but was again met with the same response I receive regularly - "Everyone has those, but for someone who is a negative person, it happens more often". That's the thing I most want to get through to people. I am fairly optimistic and hopeful and always look on the bright side of things and see good in every heart, but there is a lot of darkness inside me, something else living in me (depression/anxiety) that is not welcome and does not live under my rule or control. It is not the thoughts and feelings of everyone, it is not me purposely being negative or a debby downer. I fight these thoughts with the best of my ability, and I try to get help for them if not to get rid of them but learn how to cope and deal with them. It's hard trying to get someone in the world to take me seriously. 

My forth session is in the same place at 2pm (another thing I hate about these sessions is that they take place during my last class in college on Tuesdays, resulting in a lower attendance because I miss a class and I'm not sure how to record that absence...) on Tuesday next week and this time I will try to remember to write about it here and tell you how it went and one of the things you might expect if you are trying to get help for your mental illness/illnesses too. 

A Mental Health Post

The fact I look bad is meant to add to the whole depression theme, in case you think "Ew, did she not see everything wrong with her face", I did!

I don't remember if I've spoken about this before. I have a terrible memory lately due to the mental health problems, but there is a somewhat bright side. After months of pestering and asking for an appointment, we finally received one for tomorrow morning at 10am. If I feel up to it, I'll post a brief description of how I feel it went even the same day or later on throughout the week. 

I have depression, severe social anxiety and high functioning autism. Throughout a majority of the time I have been diagnosed, I have not been taken seriously. I have had to resort to self-diagnosing myself with depression as the only appointment I could get to discuss this (which lasted roughly 30 minutes, and I barely said a word) they basically put it down to hormones/unfortunate circumstances and have been doing this for over four years now whenever I try to bring it up or book an appointment. Well, actually, I still live with my mother and my mother has to do it because I do have severe social anxiety and having an angry phone call isn't on my list of "Things I Can Do". 

After joining college for a higher level/second year, I feel pressures I did not feel last year and when the simplest of tasks often feel like climbing a mountain, help is something I desire. I have broken down more times than I would like to admit. It dents my pride. It makes me feel like I can't handle this or cope with this without help, and it's a horrible feeling. 

There's also things, without the depression, that would have been difficult to cope with anyway - for example, upcoming presentations and work experience. For people who also have bad social anxiety, they will nod and understand the difficulties these will present and for others they will see it as a potential challenge but something that isn't almost impossibly to overcome. 

So, back to the point (I once got a comment, months ago, saying my posts are 'bouncy' and don't flow properly and I can totally see that and, months later, I still haven't improved very much...) I have decided to write a list of problems I have been experiencing and just hand it to her, as I feel like this is easier than talking about it. It also prevents the inevitable, and that is crying whenever we focus or talk about a particular topic - which I almost do in every one of these few appointments I have received over the past few years. 

I also have to attend this appointment with my mother and I know she doesn't read this blog so I can say this: it prevents me from talking about things that have happened in my past that she was involved in or knew about through fear she will get defensive or angry. She is not a bad mother and she has not done anything extremely awful, ever, but she has not been innocent and I have not been entirely honest about this with health professionals. I also do not like talking about my dad in front of her as my honest opinions on him and his parenting can cause negative emotion in my mother and she doesn't always have the abilities to control her anger (not abusive to me or to anyone in the household, no worries there). Saying that, she has had some negative impact on me that I would say is a decent proportion of why I am the way I am today and I feel like, by holding this back, I am holding back an accurate diagnosis and getting the help that I need. I do need her there, though, as my social anxiety is so bad talking to strangers is often half-impossible. 

As a twenty-year-old, I feel like I should not be struggling like this when I don't even have a job (I am trying but they hard to come by) and do not have any obligations other than attending college and doing housework at home. I do not live by myself, yet. Depression/anxiety is hard, no matter what, though and I can't even focus on autism because I don't know what kind of impact autism is having on my life. It's hard to cut up my personality away from my autism, they are intertwined. 

Anyway, if you read this far, thank you for listening and if you have any mental health struggles whatsoever then I wish you luck! 

Contraceptive (Etonogestrel) Implant Updates: 3 weeks

I would have no idea where to start with this one, I really don't. I guess I will start with the contraceptive update and if you live in the UK, then you can read through this link if you're interested in knowing more about my contraceptive implant or read my previous post about the experience of getting it and my first experience at a sexual health clinic (quite the little miracle for someone who is twenty years old, I know). I'll be talking through the side affects of it, basically. 

The first thing I noticed when the hormone started to release was mild acne. I have never experianced problems with spots before, but recently my face is covered in tiny little red demon monster...things. I have to actually wash my face everyday instead of just a couple of times a week now. The audacity, what has my life turned into? Nothing but a sham. 

Shortly following that, I experienced cramps but not like my ordinary period, omg-I-want/need-to-die cramps. It was in a different area (where my ovaries are) and was more like a dull throb/ache then anything. It was manageable,but sometimes I became frustrated because the pain never seemed to take bathroom breaks. I also experienced some mild headaches and stomach aches, but again nothing that isn't manageable. 

I 'suffered' from nausea beforehand. I've never been that great with nausea. I just seem to attract it, probably because my diet is 70% shit and the rest is soda. Again, used to it. Slightly more amplified than previously. 

It lowered my sex drive slightly but because it was already abnormally high, all it really did was bring it down to a more manageable level and maybe my lack of pleasure coming in was what ultimately resulted in mood swings and depressive episodes shortly after the release of the hormone. It was also followed by an increase of nerves, which is not good for someone who already suffers from an anxiety disorder.

I'm waiting for it to dull itself out so that things can go back to normal and I can stop bothering the shit out of everyone around me and annoying the hell out of myself. If you feel like this might be a good option for you, though, then please don't let me stop you. I'm just here to be honest. 

The Life of the Autistic - Depression, Anxiety and Stress.

Really stupid things bother and stress me out, make me anxious and depress me. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't make it go away, it doesn't change anything. There's only a few things right now that are bothering me, on top of the normal teenage hormones that every teenager has.

I have huge anxiety problems, one of the biggest is change in routine and being unable to build a routine. As I have mentioned several times, I'm going to England to see my family on Tuesday/Wednesday. That right there is one thing that stresses me out, not knowing whether we are going on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday morning. My mother has already come to explain to me that she can't give me the exact day and has told me the reasons why that is, but it doesn't change anything. I feel extremely nauseated over this, I haven't been breathing properly over the past few days, anxiety attacks are going back to being common and boy...the chest pain is probably the worst right now. 

I can't pack everything right now and yes, I am fully aware it's a week away and packing right now isn't needed but I like to be ready for things, I like to know what's happening. It seems simple but all the clothes need washing and I need some clothes to wear for this week and it's bringing on so much anxiety, and I just want to go to a corner, shut the door and scream while pulling my hair out (yes, caused by the autism) which I have a feeling might happen sooner rather then later at a really bad time, as usual. 

My phone bill isn't paid and if we don't have the money to pay it by the time England comes around, it's going to make things so much harder - my boyfriend Austin lives in Ohio, quite the while away from the UK and if there's anything wrong with the Internet and something happens, I always use my phone and will go to Austin to help myself calm down because he always knows exactly what to say and gives the most useful advice for how I can fix what's wrong or how I can make things better and without having that little safety net, it's a huge anxiety trigger for me. I know, I know, another teenager obsessed with her phone but honestly, I don't care what other people think about that (obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be making this post), it's something that I need to help me. 

Along with the above, I am not in the best home situation. To put it nicely, I have a very bratty younger sister who likes to make things harder on all of us. She's putting a lot of pressure and worry and anxiety on top of me, and all of the anxiety I already had is just making me super depressed. I am not diagnosed with severe depression, so just putting it out there that my main problem is and always has been anxiety, especially socially. My mother is also very very busy and most of my life, I am not ashamed to admit that I have relied on her for most things so during times like this when I need her to be consistent and to know things, she can't do that for me and it's probably driving her as well as me crazy.

My exam is in a month and as you probably already know, autistic kids have a lot of problems with revision/studying and everytime I try to do it, I can't remember anything and I freak out and get too anxious and angry to continue - then the fact I will probably fail the exam if this continues just makes me want to cry because if I try to tell anyone about this, they tell me things like "All you have to do is work hard. You get what you deserve!" but I am trying hard, I really am. I'm not getting anywhere. 

There's also a few personal problems going on with me, too, that I haven't even told Austin about so I'm obviously going to leave that out of here...

Basically, I won't be blogging for a little bit. I might be a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of months, I don't know. It won't be until I have a steady routine going on, and I'm in a situation where I can come up with ideas. I will still be writing a lot of drafts on here as I always do because I do love writing, but they have bad spelling and they're not structured, I just don't have the energy to fix them so they're worthy of being published. I hope you can understand. I will see you when I can.