Mental Health Appointments #2 & #3

Me being me, I completely forgot to tell you how my two appointments following up the first appointment went and our progress. It's not a "all hope is lost" situation, but I am fearing that it is a "she also doesn't believe I'm anything but 'feeling low'" type of situation. A lot of mental health specialists also don't really separate my autism from me as a person and what I experience and it creates a barrier with receiving better help or even a further diagnosis (as depression/anxiety are 'symptoms' of autism, but it's more like they are caused by autism rather than being part of it). 

Our second appointment was in a different building (and because all 3 appointments have been in different rooms, it's a lot easier to separate them and know what each individual session was about...yay for shit memories). It was really short, and we basically discussed what went on during the week since our last session. 

I'm quite disappointed in myself because, even though I had a couple of breakdowns earlier in that week and felt really low (as you know because of a couple of posts I did between then and now, I deleted the second post) but instead I just said to her "Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine and it's been a great ass week!". Couldn't be further from the truth, I just wasn't feeling as shit as I had been so at that point in time I was fine and so I said I was fine. I'm terrible at talking about my feelings with people I'm close with, never mind complete strangers. 

What my task was this week - because, by the way, I had forgotten the diary that explained all these negative feelings I had felt during the past week that I would have been unable to say because I am a dumbass - she set a new task of writing five things everyday that have made me happy, no matter how small. 

This was a lot harder than it sounds. Especially on the days where I didn't much feel like getting up or I had an argument with a close friend/boyfriend, anything like that. It was really dumb things and on the third appointment, I felt so shit handing it in like "Yeah, my list that day was just "stuffed crust pizza for dinner" but it did make me think about one thing - anything that makes you happy, no matter how small, is important and means something. Even if you think it's stupid. 

I have been assigned the same task for this week. I am also struggling to come up with things, but it is a useful thing to do and I think after these sessions are over (with little to no improvement, I feel...) I will continue the weekly "five things that make me happy" either in my personal journal or here because I feel that, although small, it does make a difference. 

The third appointment was far cozier. In a better room, lasted longer. We discussed anxiety, the negative voices in my head, but was again met with the same response I receive regularly - "Everyone has those, but for someone who is a negative person, it happens more often". That's the thing I most want to get through to people. I am fairly optimistic and hopeful and always look on the bright side of things and see good in every heart, but there is a lot of darkness inside me, something else living in me (depression/anxiety) that is not welcome and does not live under my rule or control. It is not the thoughts and feelings of everyone, it is not me purposely being negative or a debby downer. I fight these thoughts with the best of my ability, and I try to get help for them if not to get rid of them but learn how to cope and deal with them. It's hard trying to get someone in the world to take me seriously. 

My forth session is in the same place at 2pm (another thing I hate about these sessions is that they take place during my last class in college on Tuesdays, resulting in a lower attendance because I miss a class and I'm not sure how to record that absence...) on Tuesday next week and this time I will try to remember to write about it here and tell you how it went and one of the things you might expect if you are trying to get help for your mental illness/illnesses too. 

A Mental Health Post

The fact I look bad is meant to add to the whole depression theme, in case you think "Ew, did she not see everything wrong with her face", I did!

I don't remember if I've spoken about this before. I have a terrible memory lately due to the mental health problems, but there is a somewhat bright side. After months of pestering and asking for an appointment, we finally received one for tomorrow morning at 10am. If I feel up to it, I'll post a brief description of how I feel it went even the same day or later on throughout the week. 

I have depression, severe social anxiety and high functioning autism. Throughout a majority of the time I have been diagnosed, I have not been taken seriously. I have had to resort to self-diagnosing myself with depression as the only appointment I could get to discuss this (which lasted roughly 30 minutes, and I barely said a word) they basically put it down to hormones/unfortunate circumstances and have been doing this for over four years now whenever I try to bring it up or book an appointment. Well, actually, I still live with my mother and my mother has to do it because I do have severe social anxiety and having an angry phone call isn't on my list of "Things I Can Do". 

After joining college for a higher level/second year, I feel pressures I did not feel last year and when the simplest of tasks often feel like climbing a mountain, help is something I desire. I have broken down more times than I would like to admit. It dents my pride. It makes me feel like I can't handle this or cope with this without help, and it's a horrible feeling. 

There's also things, without the depression, that would have been difficult to cope with anyway - for example, upcoming presentations and work experience. For people who also have bad social anxiety, they will nod and understand the difficulties these will present and for others they will see it as a potential challenge but something that isn't almost impossibly to overcome. 

So, back to the point (I once got a comment, months ago, saying my posts are 'bouncy' and don't flow properly and I can totally see that and, months later, I still haven't improved very much...) I have decided to write a list of problems I have been experiencing and just hand it to her, as I feel like this is easier than talking about it. It also prevents the inevitable, and that is crying whenever we focus or talk about a particular topic - which I almost do in every one of these few appointments I have received over the past few years. 

I also have to attend this appointment with my mother and I know she doesn't read this blog so I can say this: it prevents me from talking about things that have happened in my past that she was involved in or knew about through fear she will get defensive or angry. She is not a bad mother and she has not done anything extremely awful, ever, but she has not been innocent and I have not been entirely honest about this with health professionals. I also do not like talking about my dad in front of her as my honest opinions on him and his parenting can cause negative emotion in my mother and she doesn't always have the abilities to control her anger (not abusive to me or to anyone in the household, no worries there). Saying that, she has had some negative impact on me that I would say is a decent proportion of why I am the way I am today and I feel like, by holding this back, I am holding back an accurate diagnosis and getting the help that I need. I do need her there, though, as my social anxiety is so bad talking to strangers is often half-impossible. 

As a twenty-year-old, I feel like I should not be struggling like this when I don't even have a job (I am trying but they hard to come by) and do not have any obligations other than attending college and doing housework at home. I do not live by myself, yet. Depression/anxiety is hard, no matter what, though and I can't even focus on autism because I don't know what kind of impact autism is having on my life. It's hard to cut up my personality away from my autism, they are intertwined. 

Anyway, if you read this far, thank you for listening and if you have any mental health struggles whatsoever then I wish you luck! 

CHANGES?

I guess you could say I've done a great deal of improving in the past month or so. I've done pretty bad things in my past. I continue to do bad things in my current self, but I am trying to self improve the best that I can. 

I finally made that transition from omnivore to vegetarian. I do eventually want to be vegan, but I'm not sure how long that will take. I live at home, and my mother makes the paycheck. It was a miracle enough that she accepted my vegetarian lifestyle. It took me what felt like forever to try and convince her. 

I do want to make posts about this, too. What vegetarian meals/foods/general snacks I really love to eat, how I dealt with the transition, why I am a vegetarian, why it would be cool if you went vegetarian (but not pushy, I understand other people want to eat meat and I'm not telling you not to). I really enjoy learning about that, and I think I would like to do some basic education on the subject. 

Also, this month is Autism Awareness Month and I haven't really spoken about it at all. As you can tell if you follow me on Instagram also, or Twitter, I've changed my name to crankyautistic because it's a pretty good representation of me and a way to welcome the fact that I am autistic and try to be okay with it. In the past, and even in my current, I have been ashamed of it. 

I want to talk about it more often because I dislike the stereotype of teenage white boy good at maths/science. That's just one out of the many, many types of people autism is. I am a female, for one, and no longer a teenager. Soon, anyway. 

I'm not really sure what other changes happened, but these two points are the main. I'm trying to find a nice space-themed design of this blog but I'm not good at computer work. That's why you may have seen the banner change a lot. 

Anyway, thank you for reading this short update, see you next time. 

Dating a Person with (High Functioning) Autism

For Autism Awareness day, I would like to take this time to talk about something a little more personal to me, the idea itself was given to me by Loz, and I agreed that it'd be a great idea and a chance to talk about something a little more serious than my personality usually allows me. Now, starting off with how we met, she always seemed a little different to me, but it was just perfectly part of her charm. It was several months I believe, before she told be she had Aspergers. My reaction? Something along the lines of "Oh, well I guess that'd make sense, alright then". And she told me that had been the best response that she'd gotten from having told someone.

Why, why is that the best response? It's because I didn't make such a big deal about it, because that's all people want. To not have their differences highlighted. Do you like it when someone points out a mark on your face? No? Then why would an autistic person like it when you point out things about them? Don't do it. Just do. Not. They aren't wild beasts, they're people. You don't need to make them feel like they'll never be relateable, or that they HAVE to do something great to be important to someone. Why is it when someone is autistic, people only care when they do something great? Why can't we just appreciate people as people?

Now, dating a person with autism has it's challenges, and do you know why? That's because DATING has it challenges. Dating a person with autism just has DIFFERENT challenges. And in retrospect, it is no different than dating a person you just random met in a mall. I love Loz every bit in the wide open space, and no, it isn't any harder just because she has differences. And honestly, it's most likely harder for her having to deal with my odd likes of things such as planes and tanks. Those are her challenges though. ;)

Sorry I have to cut this one short, I have work shortly though, but I may add an edit later on! Thank you for reading.

Autism Awareness blog post series!

So recently, I have found a tonne of online videos from people with autism/asperger's who have accepted themselves, swallowed their fear and talked about it. Despite a lot of people knowing what they both are, very few people know what they both include - if I got paid for everytime I heard "So, I know what autism is but what really is autism?" or something offensive like "well, it's only autism, it's not that bad, it's just like talking problems, right?" then I would be rich. I feel like - especially for the kids and adults who have autism but aren't vocal - autism awareness is very, very important and for the few of us who are vocal, we need to use our voice in a helpful manor.

Each one is going to be titled a different thing (for example, anxiety) and I'll probably pre-write them and release them throughout the next few weeks. They will be based mostly from my experiences with having ASD, but also from the experiences I know from other people but that will be in a lot less detail.

I hope you take a lot of information away from this and the treatment of autistic people will improve, baby steps!