Me being me, I completely forgot to tell you how my two appointments following up the first appointment went and our progress. It's not a "all hope is lost" situation, but I am fearing that it is a "she also doesn't believe I'm anything but 'feeling low'" type of situation. A lot of mental health specialists also don't really separate my autism from me as a person and what I experience and it creates a barrier with receiving better help or even a further diagnosis (as depression/anxiety are 'symptoms' of autism, but it's more like they are caused by autism rather than being part of it).
Our second appointment was in a different building (and because all 3 appointments have been in different rooms, it's a lot easier to separate them and know what each individual session was about...yay for shit memories). It was really short, and we basically discussed what went on during the week since our last session.
I'm quite disappointed in myself because, even though I had a couple of breakdowns earlier in that week and felt really low (as you know because of a couple of posts I did between then and now, I deleted the second post) but instead I just said to her "Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine and it's been a great ass week!". Couldn't be further from the truth, I just wasn't feeling as shit as I had been so at that point in time I was fine and so I said I was fine. I'm terrible at talking about my feelings with people I'm close with, never mind complete strangers.
What my task was this week - because, by the way, I had forgotten the diary that explained all these negative feelings I had felt during the past week that I would have been unable to say because I am a dumbass - she set a new task of writing five things everyday that have made me happy, no matter how small.
This was a lot harder than it sounds. Especially on the days where I didn't much feel like getting up or I had an argument with a close friend/boyfriend, anything like that. It was really dumb things and on the third appointment, I felt so shit handing it in like "Yeah, my list that day was just "stuffed crust pizza for dinner" but it did make me think about one thing - anything that makes you happy, no matter how small, is important and means something. Even if you think it's stupid.
I have been assigned the same task for this week. I am also struggling to come up with things, but it is a useful thing to do and I think after these sessions are over (with little to no improvement, I feel...) I will continue the weekly "five things that make me happy" either in my personal journal or here because I feel that, although small, it does make a difference.
The third appointment was far cozier. In a better room, lasted longer. We discussed anxiety, the negative voices in my head, but was again met with the same response I receive regularly - "Everyone has those, but for someone who is a negative person, it happens more often". That's the thing I most want to get through to people. I am fairly optimistic and hopeful and always look on the bright side of things and see good in every heart, but there is a lot of darkness inside me, something else living in me (depression/anxiety) that is not welcome and does not live under my rule or control. It is not the thoughts and feelings of everyone, it is not me purposely being negative or a debby downer. I fight these thoughts with the best of my ability, and I try to get help for them if not to get rid of them but learn how to cope and deal with them. It's hard trying to get someone in the world to take me seriously.
My forth session is in the same place at 2pm (another thing I hate about these sessions is that they take place during my last class in college on Tuesdays, resulting in a lower attendance because I miss a class and I'm not sure how to record that absence...) on Tuesday next week and this time I will try to remember to write about it here and tell you how it went and one of the things you might expect if you are trying to get help for your mental illness/illnesses too.
